is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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