I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it because I queefed?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
40s are totally the cure
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
