I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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