Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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