Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
