____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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