i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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