You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
