pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
