I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
