Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
