I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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