just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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