Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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