My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you had me at cake vodka
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
