we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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