Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
