You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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