i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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