This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
