Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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