I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
