I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
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