Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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