I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
either way he was missing a nipple.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
