Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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