connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
