Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
