Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
