i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
