I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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