last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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