I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
