I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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