Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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