Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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