I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
