I wannas sexs uuuuu
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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