i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
