I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
