If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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