Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
