the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
