ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
