Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
