Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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