ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
