She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
