things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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