Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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