my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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