i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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