a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
