so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
