its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
