so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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