we have pet lesbian snakes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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