I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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