I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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