batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
